Scream
by Silver Hana
Summary: Lily Evans is the outcast and hated by all. with horrible secrets and everyone against her, can she survive not only the battle within but without? kinda powerful Lily. 7th year. MAY include time travel. LERL then LEJP.
1. This is where I belong

Scream

Summary: Lily Evans is the outcast, the – would I dare say it- one everyone not only taunts, but hates. With horrible secrets in her life, with everyone against her, can she win the battle not only raging inside, but outside? Kinda powerful Lily, 7th year, and interesting plot twists. May include time travel (but not much).

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Lily Evans, a girl beautiful by far, teaming with intelligence, was lying on her bed. She wasn't crying, - no, she didn't cry – she was simply lying comfortably on her bed, all warm and… miserable. Yep, miserable. Now, you ask why? Well, she was thinking about her life.

No one at school would ever guess that she had a horrible life. That's why they all hated her. That's why no one was her friend. No matter what happened, she was up beat- mostly. And they hated it. It made them mad that she was so happy, so full of life when they were… not.

And so they made it they're duty to make her life miserable. And they almost always failed. Or so they thought. If they pulled a prank on her, she would put on the biggest smile she could muster and laugh along with them. Little did they know that it hurt deeper than the many scars she had on her body.

She was a girl of immense beauty. With beautiful, waist length, auburn hair, emerald green eyes, a nice height of 5'6, and wonderful curves, she would have been the most sought after girl in Hogwarts- had she not been hated. The only thing wrong with her body- or so she thought- were the scars that lined her arms, legs, back, and even neck.

Now, they weren't completely noticeable. In fact, only if you looked hard and long would you see them. And there weren't too many either. Just a few here, there, maybe over there too. In all, it probably totaled to 30 scars. The only one truly noticeable was one of the ones on her lower back. It was in the shape of a crescent moon and went from one side of her back all the way to the other side. Needless to say, no one ever saw her back.

So, we have established she's beautiful, and a very happy person on the all. Now, I touched on the subject of why they hated her. But lets take it a step further.

She was, like I said, almost always happy. Now, they thought it was because she was sooooo innocent, so- what's the word? - Well-cared for.

Now, that was the complete and total opposite of the truth. She was happy all the time because – the way she figured- if things were so terrible, they could only gets better. And that thought cheered her. She figured that even if terrible things happened to her, she deserved it. And, that so long as other people were happy, she should be happy.

They were happy because they had done nothing wrong to deserve punishment. She, on the other hand, did everything wrong, and paid too. But as long as other people didn't pay for her mistakes, she would be happy.

And she truly thought she deserved everything that came her way, even though she probably deserved them less.

Now, back to the story. Since you've gotten some of the background.

Lily's point of view

"Huahhh." Lily gave a great sigh as she decided it was time to move, to lazy for her own good.

She rolled over and stilled, listening for sounds from her roommates. She didn't think they were up yet; it was rather early for a Saturday. 8:03 to be exact.

It was the first day of the school year. Everyone had lucked out that September 1st fell on a Friday.

Getting out of bed, she stilled once more. No sound. She quickly gathered her things and ran quietly into the bathroom. Once there, she locked the door, to ensure unwanted visitors, and started running the water.

Stepping in the shower, she shivered. Shivering more out of fear than the frigid cold of the shower. The shower, having now warmed up, was her alone time. Well, more than usual.

Even though she didn't have friends, people were constantly watching her. All of the time. They were waiting for some foreign emotion to show, some sign of imperfection. And she tried hard not to let that imperfection show.

Not only would it mean endless taunting, but also it could mean someone having pity on her. Someone might want to become her friend. And she didn't want that. If someone wanted to be her friend, and for some insane reason, she became their friend, she would be doomed.

Why? Because she would have to let someone close. The only fear she had greater than letting in someone close, meaning danger and pain for them, was the fear that she might actually like it. That would be horrible, better not to know what she was missing out on, then to experience it and then lose it. And she was sure she would lose it- if she had it.

She kept her distance because she knew that anyone she became close to would be in danger. That was another one of her fears. She would make some mistake worth punishment, and they would pay.

She was fine with paying for her own mistakes, so long as no one else paid for her mistakes. That had happened one to many times already…

Stepping out of the shower, she dressed quickly. Running into her room, she closed the curtains around her and stilled once more. No sound.

She was afraid of waking up any of the other girls' b/c some of them would be cranky for "losing their beauty sleep" or some such other.

She didn't want them mad at her. Not when she had already done something deserving of punishment.

She was expecting to get punished soon, to make up for the thought she had had on the train. She had thought "I wish I didn't have such horrible parents, I hope they forget about me." It was harsh she knew, and had regretted it instantly.

Her parents took care of her, despite if it was only just enough to keep her healthy. They at least kept her instead of throwing her out. And they did feed her, one meal a day, maybe even two.

And they taught her some very valuable lessons. The most important was that she was deserving of punishment as long as she did something wrong. And they were fair too. They only punished her when she did something wrong.

Like the other day, she dropped a dish and it broke, she had gotten a just punishment for that. A day without food. They had been generous.

Slipping into her clothes for the day, a white tank top, black cargo pants, and her hair up in a messy bun, she quietly exited.

It was a beautiful day, one that many would be rejoicing over. She herself was happy it was so nice outside, she could fly while it was early.

She loved flying; it was the one place where she could escape her life, without doing something wrong.

Grabbing her broom (she always kept it- and many other things- in her book bag which she carried everywhere), she lifted off into the air, not caring that she was still inside Hogwarts. Flying out the window, she fell into a dive, pulling up just in time.

Hearing an exhilarating cry, she turned and saw Fawkes, her only friend. He was her flying partner, though normally she was in phoenix form. Yes, she was an animagus, a duel one in fact.

She had the forms of three animals: a phoenix with emerald eyes, black feathers with red feathers interspersed, a moon wolf, which was a now extinct wolf that had silver fur and could run with the wind, and an owl, all black except for a few red feathers and emerald green eyes.

Saying a greeting to Fawkes, she dove again, grazing the water with her toes.

This was where she truly belonged.

James' view

James woke up with renewed vigor, considering it was 8:19. This whole summer he had been dead to the world. Only coming alive when there was some news of the outside world, or if Sirius or Remus were over.

But here, here was his real home. He loved his parents deeply but it just wasn't home. With his dad almost always at the ministry, or his mom almost always entertaining guests, they didn't have time for him. Although they did try.

Looking out the window, he saw a flash of red. Then, seconds later, another.

Intrigued, he leaned farther, to get a better look. There, he saw an odd sight, he saw a Lily Evans and the one and only Fawkes flying together. And they were good.

Now, he had expected Fawkes to be good, but Evans? And why in the world would Fawkes want to hang around Perfect Evans. Head girl and all.

He would put her in her place this year. Now that he was Head boy he had power to do things, and get away with it too. Evans would get hers. This year would be the icing on the cake for her. He would not graduate this year and not make Evans' life miserable.

Looking out the window, he saw her doing extensive tricks and turns. She was quite good. And she seemed so… he didn't know, carefree. And that says a lot cause she always had a smile on her face.

It made him think that maybe he was missing something. Something he should have seen.

Nahh… this was Evans he was talking, or rather thinking about. Happy little Evans who didn't care that you had problems so long as they didn't affect her and they weren't her problems, she was happy. Evans who smiles when you say your cat died, glad because it was your cat, showing no remorse because it didn't affect her. That Evans, how could anyone misread her?

Shaking his head, he threw a pillow at Sirius, who merely grunted and rolled over. They needed to get an early start if they were to put their prank in action.

And he went about getting Sirius awake. Realizing that this was where he belonged.

soooo… what do you think? This story is a story that has been floating in my head a while. I know it is slightly clichéd. Well, it is also a way to get me out of my writers block b/c I am sooooo experiencing it with my other story: Harry Potter and the wish of one night. So, tell me if I should just get off the computer and stop writing or not.


	2. new tune

Scream

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

To my first reviewer on this story: thank you very much! You know who you are!

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Lily whispered goodbye to Fawkes and walked into the school once more, putting her broom up while she went.

That was what she called a good start to the day. Of course, would it continue?… probably not.

Walking into the Great Hall, Lily looked around to find it void of all but a few. Unfortunately James, Sirius, and Remus were at the Gryffindor table. They looked innocent enough, but she knew them too well. Perhaps by the slight smile tugging on Black's lips when she entered she could tell, or maybe the exasperated look on Remus' face, or, maybe the all out grin plastered on Potter's face. Either way, she could tell.

Sitting as far away as possible, she watched them. She could easily stop them from doing all but their most intricate pranks on her, but she didn't for fear of showing them how powerful she really was. She didn't think the teachers knew either, though she thought Dumbledore suspected.

Looking once more, she truly got a good look at them.

James Potter, or in her case just Potter, was the leader of what was known as the most disrupt able group in Hogwarts. The Marauders.

He was also one of the main heartthrobs in Hogwarts. And she did admit he was cute, she wasn't blind. With that unmanageable black hair and hazel eyes he was cute, but add those pouty lips, sense of humor (though sometimes mean), nice lean, muscled build, and his protectiveness of his friends, he was great. Though she didn't think so.

She thought he was a prat, so full of himself. For a while he had had a crush on her in fifth year and she had hated it. He was so full of himself, only wanting her as another one of his trophy girls. He had called it the "taming of Evans", ohhhh, had she spit fire then.

Then there was Sirius Black, also known as Black. He was the other leader of the marauders and the other main heartthrob in the school.

And he was handsome, a bit. He had long black hair that framed his face perfectly. His eyes were one in a million and his lips quite full. Add that to his even bigger sense of humor and his equally great body, he was great. Though his head was just as big as Potter's.

Remus Lupin was the nice one in the group. And also quite the hottie, though not as big as Potter and Black were. She had to admit that she had a bit of a crush on him. He was nice and sweet and even tried to stop some of the pranks Potter and Black had done.

He was also a werewolf, but she didn't mind. She thought that might be the reason he almost always went along with what Potter and Black did. Because he was afraid he'd lose them as friends. Though she doubted they would start not being his friend, she figured it was a liable fear for him. Another reason for her not to have friends, she'd become desperate to keep them. But she was happy that Remus had friends, even if they were Potter and Black.

Not many people knew that Remus was a werewolf and she tried to keep it that way. By helping to spread rumors directed toward the shrieking shack, people kept away, believing what she anonymously wrote.

But enough about Remus, she needed to keep an eye out for the inevitable prank and try to dull what would happen to her.

Looking back at the Marauders she saw Remus looking at her. She gave him a questioning look, on which he seemed surprised but answered anyway with a slight nod towards Potter and Black.

She took that as a warning and nodded her thanks to him. Replacing her serious look for her usual happy one. Putting on a heavy shield, she ate her Clementine in peace. By the time she had finished her third and last Clementine there were only a few more people in than before.

She got up to leave feeling safe that she wouldn't be pranked because there were so few people in the Great hall to see it. And even if they did she had a shield. And she was right, they didn't prank her.

Leaving the great hall, she contemplated what to do. She was in such a melancholy mood. It was weird. She knew she was smiling as broadly as ever but she didn't feel as happy as she usually felt.

Maybe it was because it was her last year at Hogwarts. Despite her lack of friends, it was her home. She would be leaving to fulfill a destiny she would rather not have. And she didn't even know what it was; all she knew was that it was big because the Dark Lord was after her.

She needed to get out of this mood she was in. how though? Suddenly she got an idea. She didn't know how she hadn't thought of it before. She would go outside once more and she would play her guitar and sing her favorite song. Sure, her favorite song was a sad one but she felt at home the best if she sang in the sunlight.

Finding a quiet place under her favorite tree, she took out her guitar and tuned it (remember she carries a lot of things in that bag of hers. Shrunk of course).

Once tuned she began:

I scream,

At the thought of what they think.

They say,

I'm just weird and don't think.

They count,

All the times I've been wrong.

But truly, I'm just singin' my own song.

They see,

Someone who is a joke.

They can't see,

I'm coverin' up what I'd hate to be.

They see,

Someone who thinks they're cool and not.

And that's ok. 'Cept they have it all wrong.

I scream,

Because I know they're wrong.

They think,

They are right.

But in reality,

They can't sing my song.

So what,

If I sing in the rain,

Laughing joyfully,

At the sound of my own name

So what,

if I sing along

to a tune you've never heard before?

So what,

If I stumble all the time,

With no reason and no rhyme?

And what if

I bend reality,

To fit my own needs?

I scream,

At the thought of what they think.

They say,

I'm just weird and don't think.

They count,

All the times I've been wrong.

But truly,

I'm just singin' my own song.

I'm just singing my own song.

And I'm screamin,

cause they don't recognize my tune.

And I'm screamin',

Every time they count the wrongs in my life…

I scream. I scream.

Putting the guitar away she smiled once more. She did love that song. And though it was sad, it made her happy. She was alive and well, she was outside in this beautiful weather (though she loved the rain too), and she was doing one of her favorite things- singing.

Getting up she walked off to the library, she wanted to get a head start on some of the charms work. She loved charms.

-------

Remus gasped at the intensity of the song he had just heard. He had only come out to talk to her for a moment, to try and sort a few things out with her. And he had heard, he had heard… wow.

It was weird the way she sang it. It was like she was happy while she sang, but all to familiar with the words that were her life. She had sung those words perfectly, and so beautifully; a sad melancholy note to harmonize with the jubilance of acceptance. It was so ironic.

And the weird thing was that it almost fit his life too. Of course it fit her life better, but a few of those verses rang true to him too.

Now he needed to go find her before tonight. He wouldn't be able to face her at the prefects meeting if he hadn't talked to her before hand.

He knew where she probably would go, now, the question was, did he tell her everything?

He knew he should tell her he heard the song, and that he wanted to be her friend. The problem was that he knew she didn't want friends. And that's where it got complicated.

He felt so guilty for treating her the way he did. Even if he didn't treat her bad he still let others do it, and it made him feel terrible. Why should she be singled out when as far as he knew she was undeserving?

And for him… he should – especially with his condition- be helping her. He knew all to well the feeling of loneliness. And he never wanted to go back to it. But he also knew her fear. She was afraid of losing what she gained and so therefore gained nothing. And it was sad.

Heading off to the library, he sang a new tune; sung best by an auburn haired girl.

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Soooo… what do you think?

I wrote the song myself. So don't just review on the story but on the song too!


	3. It's my Home

Scream

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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Lily started when she heard a book fall behind her. She had been so engrossed with her charms book that she had lost track of the things around her. Reading about manipulating animals was interesting.

Looking behind her, she relaxed. It was Remus who had dropped the book. No Potter, Black, or nasty Slytherin.

"You look relieved to see it was me." Said Remus. He had a funny look on his face, but it suited him well. He was trying to raise an inquiring face and at the same time keep a smile off his face. She couldn't help but laugh. His sputtering of indignity only made her laugh harder.

"And may I ask what you're laughing at?" he inquired.

"Your face, it looked so - I don't know-you." She said, calming down her laugh. She was actually surprised at herself. Even though she was naturally a happy person, she didn't normally laugh with other people- at least not anymore. Apparently he was surprised too.

"I know you are normally quite happy, but… I've never heard you laugh like that before. It was different. Why?"

"I don't know, because I feel I can trust you. You've been nice to me when everyone else has resented me- for being what I was taught to be. I know no other way to be in public. And they resented me for it. But you didn't… or I don't think you do." Once again she was surprised, since when did she open up to people?

"Wow, that was… different. But actually you brought up what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk to you about how they treat you. I don't feel comfortable with the way they treat you but I don't stop it. And for that I'm sorry." He had his head down. Was he actually serious?

"Remus, you feel guilty cause you cant stop their resentfulness? You don't need to though. Just that you don't treat me the same makes you different. So buck up. I really don't mind it… its actually better that way. That I have no friends I mean. I'd probably still be resented no matter what. But enough of this seriousness, I'm a happy person! Promise me you wont feel guilty about not being able to stop them, and I'll promise you something. Anything!"

She knew she was digging her own grave but she couldn't help be so open to him. He was NICE to her. He didn't resent her because of what other people said. Maybe she could have a friend… no. That was not an option.

"All right." He said, he had a big goofy grin on his face and it was contagious. "I'll promise not to feel guilty about not being able to stop their teasing if you will… will tell me one of your secrets."

Secrets? That's all he wanted to know? No one knew anything about her except she was always happy. She could tell him anything… and it didn't have to be all dark and gloomy- like her life. Smiling her brightest and her truest smile she answered,

"Secret huh? Well, how about I show you one of my favorite things to do! My second home if you will! Ohhh… come on Remus! Outside we must go! Good thing it's a nice day!" and she ran outside, knowing he'd follow.

She knew she had acted all excited when she answered but that was an act. She was happy though. She just over exaggerated it. She was about to show Remus her second home. The air. No, she wouldn't show him her animagus form, but her broom…

Stopping by the lake she turned around and yelled to him.

"Summon your broom!" she gave a joyous laugh. And she realized she was actually as happy as she seemed. She wasn't acting. She truly was happy for the first time in a long time. She was sharing her happiness with someone she felt she could trust- and it made her happier than normal. And that was saying a lot.

He seemed surprised as well, and then sheepish.

"Well uh, you see… I've never been that good at uh… flying. I uh… don't have my own broom." He seemed truly embarrassed at that and, seeking to lighten the mood, she laughed and answered.

"A Marauder without a broom? Why, how is this possible! The world is coming to an end!" by this time she was on her knees with her hand on her forehead in a very dramatic feat. But she then opened her eyes and let out her characteristic lopsided grin to show it didn't matter to her. Getting up on her feet she said, "No matter, we can ride together!" and motioned for him to get on.

Now grinning, he got on and let her get in front of him.

"Ok now, hold on tight, if you truly want to experience what I feel when I'm on the air." She said seriously, but still smiling mirthfully. She felt his strong arms move around her stomach and momentarily forgot everything, but then, she remembered. And she was almost sad.

Pushing off, she felt Remus' arms grow tighter around her. She realized it had probably been awhile since he had flown. She slowed a bit to let him get used to the air. The crisp, clear, air. Then, once she felt them loosen up she sped up a bit.

Looking behind her at him she saw him looking around in wonder. They were several hundred feet up and you could see for miles on this day. She spoke, startling him out of his wonderment,

"Its beautiful, huh? I love it. But this isn't the best part. Hold on tight! I'm gonna show you why its my second home."

And she speed off. A blur of red and blonde, swerving in intricate patterns that molded into what she was. The air.

In this time and moment, at this place, and at this speed, Remus Lupin understood Lily Evans. He understood every emotion she had ever felt in the air, all the memories worth remembering in the air. And he understood the reason the air was her second home. She melded with it, breathed it, was it. It was like she called the wind into herself and made it into what she wanted it to be. Made it into what she wanted to be.

He was just a tag along, a stray leaf in the wind, carrying him to who knew where. But he understood it. Just as she embraced, molded, and became the wind.

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Remus gasped at the intensity of this realization. He didn't even know what the realization was, only that it had happened and he had better remember it.

Lily was slowing down now, and he tried desperately to cling onto the feeling of freedom, but it left just as quickly as it came. Searching for words to describe what had happened he blurted the first thing that came to mind.

"You were the wind! You, you… were with it, together, not apart, melded… you were-" he was cut off by her chuckle of amusement.

"I told you it was my second home! Do you believe in my secret home Remus? Do you believe I did what I just did? If you do then you know it has to stay a secret Remus, that's why its one of my secrets. Its my HOME."

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What do you think of it? Do you think I did all right? REVIEW!


	4. crystal teared girl

Scream

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Notes: I have changed the tense in which I have been writing. From now on Lily will always be in 1st person while others will be in 2nd or 3rd. also I am sooooo sorry for taking so long and apologize in advance for any mistakes. Finals… its almost summer I'll have mostly free time to do things like write. Be patient! If there are any mager mistakes alert me immeadiatly I will fix it as soon as I can and I will also probably re word a few things that I'm just too tired to make them sound right. Sorry once again! Forgive me?

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Remus and I parted after that. I went my own way to go get my notes for the Prefect meeting, while he went and hung out with his friends until it was time to go to the Prefect meeting.

I was happy with the way things were going with the two of us. We weren't friends and I knew that I wouldn't be ready for that for a while. Non-the-less, I knew I wanted to be friends with him. And it scared me. I didn't want friends, never have. But now…?

I sighed as I looked up at the clock. It was time to go to the prefects meeting. But first I had to go to Dumbledore. He had asked me to go get his notes for the meeting, as there were some last minute additions and changes for the year.

Saying the password (bubble gum buzz), I ascended to his office. Hearing voices, I knocked before entering.

"Ahh, Ms. Evans, glad you could make it. You were quite busy this morning, I didn't know if you still were." Dumbledore greeted. How did he know that I was busy? And it wasn't exactly what I'd call busy either. I was just roving around before my little flying escapade.

"Yes Professor. But I do take my job seriously, Professor." I said hastily. I didn't want him to think I was a slacker like… Potter. Potter was the Head Boy. I really had my work cut out for me.

"Yes, of course. That's why you were chosen. But I shall not keep you waiting. Here are the revises. I think you'll find there were many changes due to ah… extenuating circumstances." I wondered what those were about. "And also, you will be moving into the Head Dorms after the meeting. Your stuff has already been moved. Are you familiar with the Royal Elf painting? That is where the dorms are located. When you get there, show them your badge and tell them your name and one thing that no one else knows about you, and probably never will. No one will know this information but the painting. I wont even know it. This is in certain events of impersonation, which as you know, happened just last year to the Head Boy. You are then to make a password for yourself, a password for when you are bringing other people in, and a password for you and Mr. Potter to share. Is that clear?" I thought it was a bit much and said so.

"Yes Professor, but… is all of that truly necessary? I mean, three passwords and something no one else knows? Its a lot." I answered.

"These are dark times Ms. Evans. You know how much chaos ensued when Our Head Boy last year was impersonated. Not only did the Head Girl almost die, but also many others were put at risk. And that was just all because of a jealous ex-girlfriend. How much more if Death Eaters somehow obtain access to the school and impersonate you or the Head Boy?"

"I suppose I see your point. But do you think that a Death Eater could gain access to the school?" I needed him to say no. To reassure me that I was safe. That the whole school was safe. But how much more danger would I be in because Voldemort was after me?

"I'm afraid Ms. Evans that I cant promise that the Death Eaters wont find a way in here. But I can assure you that the whole school is being watched carefully and constantly. Good day, Ms. Evans. Be sure to tell Mr. Potter this stuff. He… ah… seems to feel that when I asked him to come it was a request instead of a gently said order." Dumbledore said, dismissing her. The twinkle in his eyes was still quite visible, despite the words coming from his mouth.

I left feeling only slightly put out. Despite learning that I wasn't as safe as I thought I was. I guess it wasn't that much of a surprise.

Walking briskly, I walked through the doors right as the clock chimed 2 o'clock. Getting weird looks of shock and approval from some. I was right on time.

I waited a few more minutes until everyone was here- except for one James Potter.

"Remus" I asked, " do you know where P-James is?" I tried to look as though I didn't think any more of Remus than of anyone else in the room. It was hard.

"He said he was coming and to start without him. He had to… finish up some things." A blatant lie as I've ever heard one. But instead of pursuing the issue I just gave a sigh and started the meeting.

"Ok, I just got back from Dumbledore's office. He gave me a new list of things we're doing this year. I haven't even looked at the list yet, so I'm just going to read straight from the sheet." I took a deep breath and began. Or, at least tried to. Just then, James Potter strode confidently into the room, and took a seat right next to the table I was casually sitting on. "Oh good, you're here. Maybe I can start now." I drawled.

Hello to you, students. There was a need to change some of the things that were on the list last year, so we are making up for some of the lost things with hopefully better and more enjoyable activities. Here is the list of all the things I wish this school to participate in and details are below those. You will be doing the majority of the planning with only a few guidelines to limit your- eccentric minds.

I read the opening of Dumbledore's letter, resisting the urge to look towards Potter as the last sentence was read.

Balls – 5

Bonfire – 1

Valentines – (You may decide what to do)

5 days of break other than near or on Christmas break. (These may be split)

One extra curricular activity required for the whole school. (Students must be given a choice based on age. These will be overseen by myself or any other Professor but will be taught by 6th and 7th year Prefects.)

Any thing else?

Now, the guidelines:

Four of the balls must be in coordination with the seasons. You may theme it anything you like but no repeats. The bonfire will be held on a Saturday so as we don't miss school. The Valentines Day we are leaving totally in your care. Do not let us down. The 5th ball you may theme and decorate but we will be choosing who comes. The rest of the balls you can set the limits to the age. The extra curricular activities must be productful and have meaning. You may not choose one such as- the art of pranking (James Potter).

I smiled as I finished reading.

"Sounds like we'll have a productful year ahead of us." I said to the quite room, quite gaily. I had to keep up some of my happiness while retaining authority I surmised. "So, who has any ideas?"

The room was quite for a while until finally, Remus spoke. "I think it's obvious that the fall dance should be on Halloween. A…. masquerade perhaps?" the silence broken more and more people pitched in and I took notes on all the ideas to go back over them and cross the plain ridiculous ones out.

Then, James spoke up. "What's on the other sheet of paper? Evans?" he said it nonchalantly, almost… knowingly.

"It looks like just a few more details on the dance. Lets see… there's just the same stuff that we know and… all prefects must have a date and dance and… that's all… oh, wait one more thing. The Head Boy and Girl must dance 4 dances at least at every ball. That's it." she looked up smiling… until what she said sunk in. "wait, I have to dance with

him?" I spat the last part, making it more an insult than any cuss word.

I looked at him and I could tell that even he hadn't intended that last part to be in there. Apparently he had just been trying to rub it in my face that I had to have a date. But then… 4 dances every ball? That was… overkill.

I looked up and smiled at the prefects assembled, determined to keep up my façade until I was in my new dorm.

"I think that is all for this meeting. I will look over all the suggestions and… talk to Dumbledore. You are dismissed." I smiled one last smile that quickly faded and was only noticed by the straglers in the class- and that was few.

Picking up all of the newly taken notes I said. "Potter, come on. Since you didn't make it to the meeting I have to tell you everything that he…" Potter wasn't in the room. He had left with the rest of the prefects. Remus was the only one left in the room and gave a fleeting smile before he himself exited.

'Fine Potter, You'll just be locked out of the common room. And I will care less.' I thought.

And I stalked off toward the portrait of the Royal Elf. I didn't even bother checking the map. Oh, the map. That was something I made when I saw the Marauders had one. It was cool, challenging and aided me tremendously. Mine was a bit different but it was the same in the basics. Mine, I could zoom in and out, and included quite a lot of the forbidden forest. Mine also color-coded the people. By house and gender.

Reaching the portrait, I showed the portrait my badge and told him my name.

"Passwords?" I nodded and proceeded to tell the portrait a secret (My favorite food is Clementine), a password for myself (peaches), one for when I brought others (pears), and one for when I was with Potter (butt head).

I smiled contentedly as the portrait let me in. and then the smile faded to wonderment when I looked around. A fire was roaring just like I was in the common room, but with less people. There was a bookshelf that was full and extended the length of a whole wall. Couches and armchairs filled the rather large room. Then, there were four portraits and, as soon as I saw them I knew who they were. The Four Founders. As soon as I opened up my mouth to say something of a greeting they spoke.

"Hello, welcome to the Head Dorms. Where is your Head Counter part?" said who I assumed was Godric Gryffindor.

"He ah… decided he had better things to do." I said distastefully. Rowena and Helga immediately looked sympathetic while Slytherin looked disgusted. Godric just laughed.

"Well then, we'll have to say this twice I suppose. We lead to each of our respective common room houses. Just set a password." Said Rowena.

"All right, for Slytherin how about… Parseltonge. Hufflepuff… sniffler. Ravenclaw… tiger. And Gryffindor… animagus."

"Perfect. If you ever need to talk about anything at all… well, just call. Its not as if we can go far." Said Helga.

"All right. I might just take you up on that." I laughed and walked to the room labeled Head Girl, passing a huge balcony with a perfect view of the lake, quiditch pitch, and grounds. Even some of the forbidden forest. This would be wonderful for when I wanted to fly.

Opening the door, I gasped at the… wonder. It was… perfect. It seemed to have tailored to my needs exactly.

The bed was the right size for me and had the softest sheets I had ever felt, along with feathered pillows. There was another bookshelf with all of my collection of books on it. There was another, smaller window. Also, the closet fit all of my clothes in it and had it in the exact order I liked it. Muggle separated from wizard. The dresser had my makeup and other necessities laid out on it. The only thing that was flawed in anyway was the bathroom and that was because it had to be shared with Potter so had to cater to his needs as well.

Looking out the window I smiled, the pitch and the lake. My favorite parts of Hogwarts' grounds.

I decided to go and read in the common room. Not the one that was right outside my door, but the Gryffindor common room. Even if they did hate me, I missed the hustle and bustle.

Smiling to Godric as I said the password, I walked through the door and expected to walk quite awhile for the two portraits were far apart, but it only took me three steps. Exiting into the common room a few people looked up at me as I entered; then immediately looked back down. Sniffing in indignation I sat in my favorite armchair and picked up my book that I was reading at the time- Fall of Angels by Modesitt Jr.

Not even looking up as the rowdy Marauders came in, I dug deeper in my book, only noticing that they sat right across from me. But there was one missing. Ohp, no… he just

vaulted over my armchair and onto me.

Growling nastily at the perpetrator, of course Potter, I muttered a 'move' and then continued reading. Or I would have if his elbow had not been wedged deeply into my

stomach and his head resting in the crook of my neck. And he didn't seem to fancy moving.

"Potter would you kindly move off of me as I cannot fully enjoy my book with you on me as you are?" I asked through clenched teeth. His elbow was really starting to dig in deep.

"Ohh… I don't know Evans. How about I get up if you tell me how to get into the new dorms." He asked airily

"Potter, you wouldn't have to know if you had A) gone to meet Dumbledore that morning or B) stayed after the meeting long enough for me to tell you what to do. I'm not gonna tell you now Potter, you had your chance. Now move before I force you to." I said in a low whisper that could only be heard by him. His hair was rubbing my neck and it was scary how soft it was and how much I wanted to… no.

"You just wont tell me because you like me here don't ya? Huh?" he said raising his brows in an annoying fashion that only Potter could pull off. "Well in that case, I'll just get comfortable…" he said, as he started moving about, pushing me out of the middle of the armchair and more towards the side.

"Potter…" I warned as he put his arm around me and started playing with my hair. "Don't make me-"

"Do what Evans? You can't do anything." And I indeed realized he was right. He had maneuvered himself so that the minute I tried to hurt him or forcibly remove him or even draw my wand on him he would be able to stop me.

I huffed and crossed my arms and pouted. But finally, when he started talking to me, I cracked. "Potter, what does it matter what book I'm reading? Can't I read in peace? Just leave me alone. And follow me to where we have to go. I'll show you where you have to go, the portrait will tell you the rest. Now leave me be. Thank you!" I said the last part as gaily as I could for one so huffed as me. But I truly was happy. He was gone and all thoughts of his hair were driven away.

Once again diving into my book, I managed to ignore the rowdiness of the marauders. However, it was much harder to ignore the constant glances I got from Remus when he thought his friends weren't looking. And I couldn't help but glance up a few times either.

Finally, after finishing a good many chapters, I got up. And so did all of the marauders. Thinking that they were going to bed while Potter went with me, I just continued walking.

Once there, I noticed all of the marauders had followed.

"Potter, this is for you only." I said low and slowly, as if talking to a particularly slow babe.

"I'm just gonna tell them later anyway so why don't they know now?" he replied cheekily.

"Fine Potter, just wait till I get in." I huffed and whispered my password to the portrait.

Muttering a greeting to the Founders I settled back down into another armchair and once again dived into my book. I barely noticed when the Marauders came in and hurried to the Head Boys room. Remus straggled however, saying he wanted to check out the bookcase. That was what got my attention.

He went straight to the bookshelf and picked up a book that I myself had thought about taking a look at later. However, he kept glancing up at me. Finally he spoke,

"Good meeting, ya? Stinks about the date things. I've always had bad luck with getting dates for dances." He said nervously, still looking at the book.

"Yes, but you…? You have always had a date for the dances. What are you talking about?" I said, putting my finger in the book to keep my place.

"Ahhh. They never work out because their true colors seem to come out at dances." He rubbed his forehead with his right hand. A habit I would come to know as his 'admit habit'.

"I see!" I laughed softly, not wanting to bring attention to them by the other marauders hearing them. "I hope you find your girl Remus. Because you of all people deserve a girl to come home to at night." I said seriously.

"And what about you?" he said, raising his brow. "I would say you of all people would deserve to come home to something warm at night too."

"A nice thought but… I don't think I'll get to that point." I said softly, forgetting his werewolf ears could pick up and sense more.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked.

"I…ahh… not yet Remus." I said almost regretfully, but most of all, pitifully.

"All right. Its ohkay. Don't worry about it, you know? What ever it is, just tell me when your ready." He said, he sounded so… sincere so… trustworthy I couldn't help but let a sad smile slip onto my face as I opened my mouth to say thanks. Of course… Marauders were still upstairs and of course they'd ruin such a touching moment for me. Whether they meant it or not.

"Moony! Hurry up! You can look at the books later. Lets go!" called Sirius, sticking his head out of the Head Dorm room. His smile faded for one second as I saw him assimilate the situation. But then it returned to a smile as he beckoned Moony once more.

Sighing, I returned to my book once more. Tomorrow was Sunday and I could sleep in if I stayed up too late.

But the way I figured it was this: the punishment for thinking the way I had on the train was dancing with Potter. A horrible punishment. Not only that but he would be miserable too so that meant that my bad deeds had brought another person- however mean- into the fray.

But that meant that I had no punishments that needed to be laid out. I was free tomorrow of all punishments.

And with that, I fell asleep, a smile on my face, in the common room- my book still open and all.

-----

I woke up the next morning refreshed and ready to start the day. Despite sleeping on the couch, I was perfect. And it seemed the Marauders had not taken the opportunity to prank her. Probably Remus' doing.

I sighed and smiled as I stretched, going into my room. Getting clean clothes and for once not worrying about making noise I went into the bathroom- making sure to lock both doors leading into the bathroom.

Taking a nice long shower (I really needed it to start the day off right. Though annoying Potter was a plus), I made sure to wash my hair thoroughly. Today was going to be a good day. It was Sunday and I could hang around and do anything –without fear of being punished for something.

Turning off the shower, I took my time drying off and suitably covering myself. I decided I would get different clothes to suit such a day as this.

Drying my hair so that it was perfectly straight, I smiled. I just couldn't believe that I didn't have anything to worry about today!

I picked out a nice outfit for the day. A nice black tank, short jean shorts, black flip-flops, and my hair flowing out wonderfully behind me. With the makeup minimal – just lip gloss, mascara, eyeliner, and light eye shadow- I left the room.

Picking up my book on my way down, I left for the Great Hall, confident that I would have no problems from Marauders, Slytherins, or any other nasty people.

"Oh, Look! Its Evans with her infamous smile on her face!" said Anita, one of my old roommates and the one girl who gave me the most crap.

"Why hi there, Anita! How are you? The dorm roomier without me in it? I thought so. Well, I'll see you later Anita! And by Sarah, Melody, Amara, and Michelle!" I called over my shoulder to them.

Sarah, Amara, Melody, and Michele being the other girls with her. There was one other, but she wasn't there. Her name was Rachel and she was Anita's best friend. The rest were just tag alongs.

Those four actually weren't that bad either. Melody was actually the most kind to me with the others quickly in toe. I tried to keep away from those four because they were so good that I knew I would want to be friends with them.

But enough about them, I had reached the Great Hall just as the plates filled with delicious morning foods. Deciding against just my normal three Clementine's I put a cheese omelet on my plate instead. So engrossed was I in eating the omelet and reading at the same time I didn't notice that everyone was in here on this early morning. Except a few exceptions and a certain Remus Lupin.

I only noticed that the Great Hall was full when I looked up briefly when the owl post came in, just happening to notice that Remus wasn't there either.

So engrossed in my book, having finished my omelet, I didn't notice the fancy white owl swooping in with a fancy emerald green envelope heading toward me. Only when I heard muttering and the owl pecked me did I look up.

Every one was watching the owl and me. It seemed not many people got fancy letters such as these - especially not a muggle born. And I knew whom it was from too. My parents.

Opening the letter, trying hard not to visibly shake, I read:

Lillian,

As you were never one to dolly around with formal greetings we will just begin. Your Aunt Seti has passed away. Quite unexpectedly you see. And, coincidentally, so did her Husband and two children. The third and youngest however survived. It would seem that seeing as Aunt Seti was your kind that it be fitting you show up to her funeral. It will be held separately than Uncle Wayne, Teddy, and Luke. We don't want to taint anyone or thing now do we? We have already sent word to Dumb Dumb and he's okayed it. We expect you to be here in time for the funeral that will be held on Sunday. You will be expected to speak, seeing as you're the only one she ever talked to besides her immediate family. Looking forward to seeing you. Come ready for the time of your life despite the reason your there.

Your loving parents

Keeping my head up as I stood up, I tried hard to ignore the whispering that was now going on. 'Wonder what it says?' 'Show off' 'thinks she's so good' it all echoed in my head as my walked out of the Great Hall, just as Remus walked in, a smile as wide and as big as my could muster plastered on my face.

I heard footsteps following me but I speed up, and once I got into the dorm I told the portrait not to let anyone in but Potter and only if it was an emergency.

I then ran to my room and retrieved my purse and wand. Then I opened the window and jumped. I was- at that moment- tempted not to get my broom from my purse and to just fall, but at the last possible second I pulled my broom from my purse and enlarged it, getting on it just as I dropped my bag and wand on the ground. I heard a satisfying 'thunk' and I sped off, and became the wind.

I must admit that I don't remember much from that flight, all I remember is a whirl of emotions and tears. Lots of tears. But three people do remember that flight, and well, they don't let me forget.

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Remus panicked when the portrait wouldn't let him in. he had said the password! Then, he heard footsteps and turned to see James and Sirius. What were they doing here?

"James the portrait wont let me in! Say the password, your password! Please! I need to see what's—" he stopped, they wouldn't let him in if they knew he was going to help her.

"No problem Moony! Here, Snitch." He said, proudly.

"Is it an emergency?" asked the portrait.

"Emergency! Its catastrophic!" said Sirius. His drama side kicking in. though, Remus thought, it probably was for them.

They ran into the common and into her room just in time to see the window shut. Remus ran to the window and saw her jumping. She was jumping! And just as he was about to scream for help, for anything, he saw a broom come under her and he breathed a sigh of relief. He saw James and Sirius also breathing a sigh of relief quickly followed by "Amazing!"

But he didn't stay around to hear more, he ran for the Great Doors that lead outside. He also heard them following, and he ran to keep ahead of them. He had to keep them from getting outside and embarrassing Lily. She didn't need that now, he had seen her face it had been… it was pain.

Reaching the door right before them he was about to open them until he remembered that

they were there. He needed to keep them from embarrassing Lily.

Putting himself in front of the door in a way that they couldn't get past him, he stopped.

"Don't go out this door if you're planning on embarrassing Lily!" he shouted.

"Why not Remus? You saw her! This is the perfect time to show her she's not any better than any of us. What's gotten into you?" James said. By now they had a small crowd of people around them, and was that Dumbledore in the shadows?

"No! Don't you see? She has never thought that she was better than any of you! She's just trying to be what you guys made her out to be. She was trying to be what you guys wanted her be! She doesn't think that she's better than ANY of you." Remus shouted even louder, trying to get attention now.

"What do you mean Remus, huh? She's Perfect, always happy, Evans! She's the one who smiles and says it'll get better without knowing anything about the problem! Why do you defend her?" said Sirius.

"Because she doesn't have any friends because of you two! She doesn't have a good life at all because of you ALL!" he said softer, yet still quite loud.

"But she has such a perfect life at home what does it matter if we toughen it up for her? She probably has tons of friends at home that she can cry her 'troubles' too."

"What are you talking about? Has she ever said 'my life is perfect' or something along those lines? HAS SHE! NO! You just assume, without wondering, that because she's so happy she has to have too good a life. And just because she sees life through different eyes than yours doesn't mean she's wrong, or to be treated badly because of it!" he was quickly losing his temper and he thought he was losing a bit of his sanity with it.

"But, the way she acts… she hasn't tried to prove us wrong!" cried Sirius.

"You just assume all these things huh? Well I've been thinking Sirius. Does she act so much different from you? You are always happy except for a few times around us. And only us. You never show anyone your fears or emotions except for your closest friends. You don't talk about things in your past and you look at things as brightly as you can." Remus tried to calm down a bit, taking deep breathes as he talked.

"But me… I'm different. I open up! Sometimes…. She… she has her own friends she could be opening up to!" Sirius said, it almost sounded as if he was trying to prove it to himself too.

"But that's just it! She doesn't have friends she can be open and serious with! And it because of us! This whole school!"

"But she's still different! She doesn't… live like me." Said Sirius. He thought he detected a note of desperation in it now.

"Oh? She's not? Well… let's look at this. Like I said. You open up around your friends. Does she have any to open up to? You treat her like crap and expect her to break down and finally admit that her life isn't great? News flash! If she hasn't done it yet she's not going to! Have you seen her? Actually SEEN her? She sneaks in those frowns when no one is looking. She lets down her guard when she thinks you guys are too rapped up in your life to care. She actually smiles when she thinks something is funny. She frowns when she sees the things that cause her torment and she breathes a sigh of relief every time she gets out of and argument or a confrontation with you guys. She is human just like you and me and yet you insist on treating her like she is lower than dirt. What did she ever do? It seems you have trouble coming to terms with that. And if you look, Sirius, look at her arms one day, look real close, you'll see. Looks a lot like your back. Great home life? I don't know, she never acts like It.," he was ranting when he needed to get out there and help her. Who knew what she would do. And he knew where he would find her. She would blend with the air. Whatever had upset her was bad, and he knew she couldn't take much more of the crap thrown her way.

"I… don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing wrong with my back. Anyway… she's done a lot! She corrects us and acts perfect when she does the same thing wrong, and she treats US like dirt. We just return the favor!"

"Have you ever thought that your treating her more like a Slytherin treats a muggle than a person?" and with that he walked out of the Hall, putting a spell on the door that allowed only those with the same or close intentions to exit and keeps the rest in and unknowing.

The sight that greeted him was a glorious and yet very… anguished one. He looked back to see who followed before rushing onto the pitch. Amara, Michele, Sarah, and Melody along with Sirius and James… and Dumbledore… had followed.

Lily was in the air, a blur of red that darted so swiftly you would think she was in one place and then the flash of red was in a whole different part of the field.

She was crying- the first time anyone had seen that- and that was not unexpected. Though what was happening to the tears was unexpected. It was quite obvious that the tears spilling from her eyes were not normal. They sparkled like the brightest of stars and when they hit the ground shattered into a million even brighter stars. He knew this symbolized something great, but he was having a hard time wrapping his head around it. Or rather… he didn't want to believe it.

And then Sirius, voice broken in despair and in awe broke the silence with the words he didn't want to think.

"Its like she's not crying for herself. Each tear she cries is for someone or something else. Even after everything I've done to her… she doesn't cry for herself but for others!" and as he thought about it he knew that was exactly right and he just couldn't believe it. And then… and then it rained. It was a harsh cruel rain and yet ever so gentle wherever she flew. And this time Sirius didn't have to voice his thoughts for him to know that since Lily wouldn't cry for herself the earth was crying for her. Just as Lily cried for everything else.

And then he heard something else. Someone else. James. He turned just in time to see James' head bowed and his fists clenched before James ran back into the castle. And the one thing James muttered… "This cant be happening. She… can't be right again. Not again."

A pang shot down Remus. This was hard for James. He didn't accept defeat easily. And for seven years… and things weren't the best in his life but they weren't the worst. It was a belief for seven years that Evans was down there with the Slytherins, his pride was so big he wouldn't admit defeat. Not now. And the last person who had cried crystal tears had been… never. Not only did he have to admit defeat he had to admit power. She was not just talk. And then James' anguish almost overran Lily's. He KNEW he was wrong. He KNEW he had hurt someone to the point that they'd never be the person they could have been. That pathway closed because of him. And so he ran.

And, then Sirius' grief came to the forefront. His grief hitting deeper than James' because of the home issues. The back issues must have hit hard too. But he didn't run. He COULDN'T. There wasn't a possible way he could run with the guilt coursing through his body. His voice pierced the raw silence that had once again filtered in after James' hasty departure.

"STOP! Stop it! What are you doing to us? Just… STOP IT!" he ended with a strangled cry that ripped through his soul and apparently did Lily's too. Her head snapped up and, apparently from exhaustion, she just fell. And, then Dumbledore made his presence known as he whipped out his wand so fast that it was blur and said a spell that caught the still crystal crying girl before her life did end.

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that's the chapter. Read authors note to see my apologies and well… notes. Review!


	5. one for herself

Scream

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Sorry for the long wait. I had camps and then we moved so yeh. The camp was awesome by the way… but anyway…… the story!

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I woke up and found Sirius and Remus talking quietly with each other. Occasionally they spared a glance toward me.

I took my attention off of them to wipe the wetness from my cheeks. That's when I realized I was still crying. That's also when I realized that my tears were still crystal.

I watched in fascination as tear after tear fell from my face and crushed onto the already crystal filled floor. My emotions still running over me blindly.

Finally I looked away and saw Sirius and Remus staring at me. And I did the only thing I could think of doing. As much of a reflex than my real feelings.

I smiled.

I watched as the shock registered on their faces.

And then, I realized where my mistake had been. James walked into the room. And he walked into not only find me awake but smiling.

I got a brief glimpse of his angered face with a tinge of grief before he turned around and went straight back out the door. The tray of food he had been carrying fell to the floor with a clang that echoed in my very being.

The crystal tears stopped running down my face. my eyes became dry and my cheeks the crustiness that was always found after a long cry. I could feel my very soul being torn apart at the very seams.

It was all I could do to keep a blank and emotionless face. Not even worrying that my smile façade was not in effect when it should have been. I couldn't bring myself to smile after that face… after everything.

It was Sirius who broke the fragile thread that was keeping me together. He whispered in a hollow and yet somehow strangled voice filled with betrayal.

"Why?" his voice was hoarse with the emotion packed into that one word. He didn't even have to elaborate on what he meant. Though he could have meant countless upon countless things. "Why!" he repeated.

His voice rose a bit more than before and in an even more strangled tone. My carefully held together countenance shredded with that one word. And I was wracked with dry sobs.

No more tears were willing to be shed. And so the dry sobs continued. A mournful harmony to Sirius' strangled cry of betrayal and bewilderment.

And finally, I spoke, my voice betraying my guilt. my guilt for what? my guilt for being alive? For thinking I could have a friend? I realized I wasn't guilty for either of those things. my voice steadied and both noticed my change of tone. It had grief, yes. I regretted being my smiling bubbly self – for once. But there was NO guilt.

"Because, for the first time, when I woke up in the hospitable wing someone was there." And then I collapsed, my body still being wracked by my dry sobs.

Sirius' 'Why' now became a shocked cry of despair and rage. And now a single tear dripped from my eye. Crystallized like all the rest. But, as they all watched its descent – some in shock and some in despair- they got the biggest shock of all. It hit the ground.

And it didn't shatter.

I gave a short gasp. And the same thing went through all three of their minds at the same time.

A single tear for herself.

What they didn't know was that the rain stopped at that moment.

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short I know. But I think it works. It gets a point across kinda…. You think? Anyway…. It sets her up to be friends. With every one but a certain raven haired boy…. R&R!

amara159


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